i wish you could read my mind. so therefore i wouldn’t have to move my mouth. i wouldn’t have to waste my breath on such far fetched statements and sentences. i wish that i met you in another life. theres still a chance of that, but this life is taking a long time to pass. i try to be patient and calm. at times its hard but i know my place. i want to believe that you think of me as phenomenal and breathtaking but i will never know for sure. i wish i could discover you inside and out, bones and all. you remind me of home and im so enticed. its so funny the predicaments i fall into. i really dont mean to but they always stumble across my path and as curious as i am, i become tangled and twisted. this time i haven’t drowned or anything. but yeah i may have dipped and dived off the deeper end but im back afloat. waiting for your signal off shore to show me the way back in. this will never exist.
i would like to go back. thats the only thing i really want right now. im trying really hard to grasp the past but i can only do it through memories or pictures. i want to hold it in my hands, i want to smell it, i want to taste it and see it with my own eyes once again. please come back to me, some way some how…
(photo by CRS)
i wish i could say or show how i feel. but i cant seem to find the words or the actions right now. every girl has that one boy that she’ll love for the rest of her life. and for me, that boy is you. we might keep in touch for a while longer, but then we might fade off, and meet new people and create new relationships, but you will have my heart in the palms of your hands until the end of time.— Jackie Tambara (Myspace, Aug. 19, 2008)
its crazy how its been about 4 years since i wrote this about you. you really had a hold on me for all of our young times and memories. and i do not regret that at all. you taught me so many life lessons about trying to find oneself and better it as much as possible. you know that i cared so much for you and i always wanted the best for you. its weird but really cool to look back on our relationship and see how far we grew and blossomed. sometimes we shriveled up, but we always found that water to bring us back to life. every single word in that passage above is true. i know that we did not see eye to eye all the time and things ended horrible, but still to this day i believe those words are true. i want to apologize for pushing you one way when you wanted to go the other. one of the greatest lessons you taught me was that no one is perfect and you gotta love em no matter what cuz everyone has their pros and cons. i am so fortunate and blessed to have had such a beautiful friendship with you christian. i know we had our problems but you were the biggest part of my life so far and theres no denying it. today i talked to your sister taisha and she told me that she wanted me to be in a lot of the pictures for your slideshow and i said felt bad cuz my big ol’ head would get in the way. but she said something really important, she said something like: jackie, you were just about THEE closest person to him in a very crucial and important time of his life and everyone knows you loved him and he loved you. you were a part of this family. i know that you guys went thru alot but he died loving you.
those words mean so much to me coming from your sisters mouth. i just think and if it wasnt for you, im not sure who i would be. i would like to say so much more to you but i am going to save that for a personal letter that only you and i can read. christian you were seriously one of the greatest friends ive known. we were just like ‘peas and carrots’. ive experienced so many things with you and im so happy that we crossed paths in a great time of our lives. i know that one day i will see you and we will laugh and joke and talk and cry together just like we did when we were 15 years old. i miss you so much and i wish i could just hug you and tell you that im sorry. for everything. you really completed my life for a good 5 years and now im just lost. when we were dating i thought on and off about us being together forever. in my mind and head i knew that would never happen but my heart always wanted us together forever. and after we broke up i think subconsciencly i wanted to meet up again later in life, but life was too short. you were my first love, my first lover, and pretty much my first everything. you will always have the biggest piece of my heart and i really hope you knew that before you went to a better place. like i said above, you will always have my heart in your hands because it belonged to you one hundred percent. i love you and miss you and i cant wait til the day i see your beautiful green hazel eyes just like i did for the first time.
christian riley sannicolas